i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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