You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
