Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
