I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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