Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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