fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
