I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
