Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
