I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
