can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
