its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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