wakey wakey hands off snakey
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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