There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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