I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize