Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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