would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
