I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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