if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
