Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Someone shit on the floor
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
