I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize