wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
