i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize