My friends, they love my intelligence
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
