hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So vagazzling was a success
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
