My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
