fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
