i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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