did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
