Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
