my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
