I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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