3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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