she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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