i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
