hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
