I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
