i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
