he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
