sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
