I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
