I just saw a hot homeless man
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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