I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
