Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
