I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
