My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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