It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
