I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
