Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize