Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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