Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the day after is always just damage control
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
