Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
