omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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