After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize