just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
