I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
