i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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