i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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