i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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