God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
